Archive for May, 2013

I haven’t been making any posts lately simply to just steer clear of everything that gets me down. I have been seeking help and to just discuss things is quite helpful in better understanding the person I am. Never the less, no matter where we walk in life, we are constantly thrown obstacles and the challenge is sometimes getting over them

My most recent road block comes as some time ago I discovered a conversation that had taken place on a facebook message between my fiancée and one of her ex boyfriends who might I add did the dirty on her with another woman. She was discussing our relationship with him and then proceeded to say things like “there will always be a place for you in my heart”.

Let me make something clear though, I understand they continued to be friends and certainly have no problem with her talking to him, and nor am I a jealous person. However, when you’re having a conversation to an ex-boyfriend about your relationship in detail that shouldn’t be disclosed to someone who otherwise cheated on you and clearly has no idea how to respect the woman he’s in a relationship with I find hard to accept.

It kind of breaks my heard to think they she would go to someone like that and say those things behind my back and to top it off then tell him she still has a place for him in her heart. She might as well tell him she still loves him.

I swallowed this discovery not knowing how to approach it with her for just over a year now and I approached her regarding it recently to which she didn’t exactly openly apologise but merely left me with “you don’t understand the relationship we had”. She then proceeded to tell me that her and I have a different relationship than what they had and basically he’s a different person. I asked her what is it he can provide you that I can’t or haven’t already? I’ve respected you, cherished you, loved you, provided in many ways for you, been there for you, made sacrifices for you….. What else am I to do? You tell me you love me but then go and do that? You say yes to my marriage proposal having knowingly done what you did?

 

ARGHHHHHH This sort of thing does my head in. Woman have no flipping idea how much a man surrenders his emotions to a relationship. This sort of shit hurts and cuts deep even if it is minor. I can get over it and I’m sure I will, but I feel disrespected and it sucks 😦

It’s not exactly the one day of the year I look forward to by any stretch of the imagination. I haven’t known or seen my mum for 16 years and certain’y don’t intend to now.

This day comes around and I find myself just wanting to stay home and do nothing. I go to the shops or out for lunch or dinner and the constant reminder of what I never had rushes into my thoughts. It’s fantastic that so many people can appreciate their mothers and enjoys the spoils of growing up with a great family life, but I wonder if there is a anti-mothers day place out there where all of us who never had a mum could hang out, have a few pints and enjoy the footy?

Lately, for me anyway, there has been so many days where the social stigma has me wanting to buy gifts for people or spend the day with them, be it Mothers Day, Fathers Day or the fifty million birthdays that all come at once. If I bought a gift for those people on each of those days I’d be broke!! Although we’re in this materialistic world where by if I don’t provide a gift, I’m frowned about as having not put any thought into the day. Screwed up much?

One particular Christmas I could afford to by anyone anything let alone myself. I was just going through a period of bill after bill after bill, but I felt I had to do something, especially on this day where it’s supposed to be about opening gifts, eating food and enjoying each others company. I spent some time thinking about what I could do and eventually I thought I would write a letter to each person in my family. Unbeknown to be, it happened to be the single best gift any of them had received. I had shared my thoughts and emotions on each one of them in the letters to the point the whole room was in an emotional swimming pool looking for the nearest life raft. In turn my Father proposed to his now fiancée and everyone left the room of gifts and swimming pool of tears feeling happier.

All this reasserted that gifts are pointless. You buy a gift no matter how much it costs hoping one appreciates it. Fact is, they’ll never say they don’t like it out of respect. I write a simple letter and I share my thoughts, feelings, and emotions and I provided more of a gift than anyone could have hoped for. It was a good feeling! Suffice to say though, I couldn’t exactly do it two years in a row….it may have been a bit awkward.

Anyway, I’m glad Mothers Day over, finished and done for another year. I can now get back to reality with everyone else.

Well technically step one would be admitting you have a problem, but in this case no admission is required.

Today whilst embarrassed to do so, I sought help from my GP regarding my thoughts on having depression. It’s clear I have issues that are that out of the norm and as such he’s placed me on a Mental Health Plan of which consists of 10 sessions with a psychologist in order to build an analysis on what’s going on.

Many believe there is a stigma on depression and that might be so, however, stigma or not, it’s extremely hard to seek help and push your pride to the side. I believe that’s half the problem with many people. I know I’m strong willed hence why I could put my pride to the side and don’t get me wrong… this wasn’t easy! However, I don’t imagine it’s as simple as that for many hence the stigma.

I wish I could sit here and say I feel better already for seeking help, but I honestly don’t. I feel even more vulnerable than I did before and I still have my doubts.

My first session is on Wednesday. I can only hope it’s the first step forward in my seeking understanding and happiness.

I’m a complete mess.

I’m negative, I talk to people incorrectly, I don’t view people the way I should, I do this wrong, I do that wrong…..Do I do anything right?

I get into a full blown argument with my old man only for him to question what my point is or what I’m trying to get across. Is he so blind to not have a clue as to what I’m saying? Is it wrong I find it disrespectful that he can’t acknowledge anything I say without him having to talk back or question my every motive? I just don’t get it.

It’s always a challenge for me. I seek out acknowledgement for my every doing. All I do is help people and be as completely selfless as I can possibly be and in return I feel like garbage. I feel like my worth is nothing to anyone. Yes I have some issues I need help with. How does one seek help when you have no idea what you need?

I just called the hospital about going in to see someone. To help understand what I’m going through and help me understand my self so much more. I’m not one to ask for help and its embarrassing having to even make the phone call, but apparently I even did that wrong. I have to go see my GP and get a referral if he feels I need one. Since when is a GP qualified enough to tell me I need to seek professional help? Why do I have to jump through hoops just to ask for help? It’s difficult enough for me to ask for help only to be asked to memorise the alphabet and endure physical activity before I’m allowed access to that help. Now I don’t feel like I even have the motivation to seek it…. Where does that leave me?

I’m a grown man and I’m reduced to nothing short of a child like mental state of mind with no one to turn to or no easy way of seeking help I wish I had. Who will understand? Who will help me?

I spent so long ignoring this so called mental health and shrugging it off as some mythical place of which doesn’t relate to me, only to find myself in this dark abyss with no way of knowing which way I’m walking. I’m cold, alone and scared. I have goosebumps from the cool breeze and can’t help but wonder when this ride ends. Where am I? Who am I? I start to question my own existence in this world of confusion. A world of which I don’t even know is a world at all, a world of despair and pain. Will someone reach out and grab my hand and guide me down the yellow brick road? I’m hurting, I’m struggling, I’m battling myself within. My mind is telling me to give-up, but deep down this energy of hope pushes me along with no knowing of where I’ll end up. Look for a sign, a keyboard and a screen is my direction as I express my raw emotion to what effectively is no one. I am the rabbit lost in it’s own hole. I’m hungry and I’m broken. These adversities are testing me. I must be dreaming. I can’t be awake. I must find a way to end this mess. I need to escape this cloud of unknown.

sigh