Lost

Posted: May 3, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’m a complete mess.

I’m negative, I talk to people incorrectly, I don’t view people the way I should, I do this wrong, I do that wrong…..Do I do anything right?

I get into a full blown argument with my old man only for him to question what my point is or what I’m trying to get across. Is he so blind to not have a clue as to what I’m saying? Is it wrong I find it disrespectful that he can’t acknowledge anything I say without him having to talk back or question my every motive? I just don’t get it.

It’s always a challenge for me. I seek out acknowledgement for my every doing. All I do is help people and be as completely selfless as I can possibly be and in return I feel like garbage. I feel like my worth is nothing to anyone. Yes I have some issues I need help with. How does one seek help when you have no idea what you need?

I just called the hospital about going in to see someone. To help understand what I’m going through and help me understand my self so much more. I’m not one to ask for help and its embarrassing having to even make the phone call, but apparently I even did that wrong. I have to go see my GP and get a referral if he feels I need one. Since when is a GP qualified enough to tell me I need to seek professional help? Why do I have to jump through hoops just to ask for help? It’s difficult enough for me to ask for help only to be asked to memorise the alphabet and endure physical activity before I’m allowed access to that help. Now I don’t feel like I even have the motivation to seek it…. Where does that leave me?

I’m a grown man and I’m reduced to nothing short of a child like mental state of mind with no one to turn to or no easy way of seeking help I wish I had. Who will understand? Who will help me?

I spent so long ignoring this so called mental health and shrugging it off as some mythical place of which doesn’t relate to me, only to find myself in this dark abyss with no way of knowing which way I’m walking. I’m cold, alone and scared. I have goosebumps from the cool breeze and can’t help but wonder when this ride ends. Where am I? Who am I? I start to question my own existence in this world of confusion. A world of which I don’t even know is a world at all, a world of despair and pain. Will someone reach out and grab my hand and guide me down the yellow brick road? I’m hurting, I’m struggling, I’m battling myself within. My mind is telling me to give-up, but deep down this energy of hope pushes me along with no knowing of where I’ll end up. Look for a sign, a keyboard and a screen is my direction as I express my raw emotion to what effectively is no one. I am the rabbit lost in it’s own hole. I’m hungry and I’m broken. These adversities are testing me. I must be dreaming. I can’t be awake. I must find a way to end this mess. I need to escape this cloud of unknown.

sigh

Comments
  1. Chris says:

    There really isn’t enough help out there at the moment for people struggling with mental health, an organisation I volunteer for called Time To Change campaigns to end the stigma of mental health and raise awareness of it. Because it simply is not talked about enough, at the end of the day it’s no different to physical health, it just isn’t as visible. It’s good that you use this blog to express your feelings because it’s better than not expressing them at all. You appear to be quite lost at the moment. Although you may not have faith in your GP I would recommend going along, just be as honest as you can about everything and try to open up to them. Most of the time they know what to do, they are there for all “general prognosis” right? I’d also recommend checking out TTC’s website, just because I believe in it; and i believe other people can find belief in their philosophies.

    http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

    Peace, Chris.

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